Children tell us

Parents often come to me in complete surprise that their previously seemingly calm and coping child is suddenly having explosive meltdowns. It feels like it has come completely out of the blue, that the trigger is arbitrary, if obvious at at all, and that there is no reasoning at all.

To add to the confusion, their child seems beyond fine, happy in fact, with other people or during the activity they had ‘violently’ resisted moments before.

The truth is, this isn’t sudden... children tell us. They tell us they are distressed. We just don’t understand the language. First they tell us with words, ‘I don’t want to go to school/football/the party*) and we are surprised, they love school/football/parties while they are there, in fact they even pestered to go.

It must be an off day, so we say; ‘oh don’t be silly, you love it there... come one’ and we cajole them out of the door.

All the way there, they are thinking, I do love it, I am happy... there’s just this feeling... this feeling... ummm... I don’t actually know what this feeling is, I must be imagining it... yes, I love it. It’s fine, I just need to cheer up, try harder... ignore that feeling, it’s in my head. But there it is, every time... it’s not going away, it’s getting stronger...

So they tell us again, this time by delaying walking out of the door, taking hours over breakfast, losing their socks, no not those socks... the other socks, where’s my bag, I just need the toilet, yes again...

...and we encourage and cajole again, ‘it’s okay you know you love it when you’re there’ we pull on the socks, grab a cereal bar for breakfast en route and off we go again...

But that feeling... it’s getting bigger, focus is waning in school, tiredness after school... that feeling...

So, they tell us again, now they are rooted to the ground, they’re holding onto the door frame, refusing to get dressed ...

... we’re in a rush to get to work, this is just silly now, they still seem absolutely fine, MORE than fine, when they are there, they are becoming so controlling over everything and now they think they can control this. We pick them up, ‘come on, you’re fine, let’s go’.

I am not fine...

I am not fine... that feeling.

But it doesn’t make sense, I don’t know what it is, nobody else sees or feels it. Everybody else just gets on with what they have to do, they finish everything they are asked to do.

It must be me. They're all right ... I just don't try hard enough... I must be stupid, I must be lazy.

I am bad, my poor parents getting angry because they need to get to work, they’ve paid for this football... hang on , I ASKED for the football, begged in fact.

What is wrong with me, I must be broken, I need to hide this, I am horrible. I need to just try harder.

But that feeling...

Then they tell us by hurting themselves or others... by screaming, shouting, hitting, crying, withdrawing, shutting down, throwing.

Then we listen. We have no choice, we simply can’t get them out of the door.

Then they go, ‘oh, okay, THAT’s what I am mean to do when something feels wrong... that’s how people help’.

...

Our job is to peel back that anxiety, guilt and shame ... roll all way back and listen when they tell us with their voices.

To believe them, validate the feeling and ask how we can help; for a long time they will respond with 'I don't know' ...

We pause, we thank them for telling us and we promise them we are going to help them work out what feels bad and look for ways together to understand and try to make it feel easier ...