I am autistic... that is all

I am sharing this for no other reason than to hopefully shed some light on some of your children's actions and reactions... Yes, even on the days they are about to do something they love.

It is very rare after decades of masking and strategy building that I can share the autism sensory experience in real time.

I love trains.. Well all machines really, but especially trains, looking at them, being on them, collecting them, reading about them, hearing them. I am booked to get on a train for 2 hours and am excited beyond words.

You'd think I'd feel calm and happy that I am about to experience something I love. Instead, I am irritable, teary, anxious and impatient. I feel like the inside of my body is trying to jump out of my skin.

My thoughts have included but are not limited to...

What if I miss the train... What if it is cancelled I'm already sad it has to end... What if it's the wrong day Do I have the right train... What if the platform number is wrong... Why do I ever have to get off? (I'm not even on yet) What if my ticket doesn't work... Do I want to go... I want to go to bed I cant cope with the disappointment if anything goes wrong I feel sick

The nearer I get the more I feel like I might burst into tears - I am not sad, I am overwhelmed.

I am also a 45 year old woman who knows this is what is happening, have been in complete control of the booking process and knows that nobody is to blame for my irritability (my brain tries to convince me that I'm annoyed with my loved ones... Whichever one is near) so I breathe, I weigh up the evidence and I soldier on knowing it will all feel okay again soon. 

I also experience this finally knowing it's not because I am mad, broken, silly, oversensitive, dramatic ... I am autistic, that is all